I've come to the conclusion that I've gotten lazy when it comes to these reviews. I used to do a pretty decent job at providing my snobby little opinions, but finishing books on trips and not wanting to drag my laptop out of its cozy little bag hasn't helped my commentary at all. I'm hoping to remedy that with a lively discussion about this... gem.Niffenegger must have been under pressure from her publishers to put out some kind of awesome follow-up to The Time Traveler's Wife or something because it's the only excuse that I can think of that would incite her to write something that's entirely unfinished. While the premises showed potential, it quickly became apparent that nothing was really going to happen in the four hundred pages contained within. Truthfully, the book is better to look at (because I seem to have a thing for spooky trees or something) than it is to read.
The novel follows the lives of twins, Julia and Valentina Poole, who inherit a flat in London (along with a bunch of money) from their aunt (their mother's twin sister) who recently died of cancer. The only catch is that they have to live there for a year before they can do anything at all with it. While it seems like a grand adventure for Julia, Valentina is decidedly more nervous about the prospect of leaving her home for uncharted territory. She follows along, however, because that's what she's been doing her entire life. She's like a shadow of her slightly older sister and that becomes a point that is majorly stressed throughout the remainder of the story.
Shortly after arriving in London, Julia meets their quirky upstairs neighbor, Martin, who suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Frankly, this makes him one of the more interesting characters throughout the tale and I constantly found myself wondering what kind of eccentric things were going on in his flat while Julia & Valentina carried on with their intensely dull existences. The girls eventually meet Robert Fanshaw, a quiet and bookish middle-aged man that was once the lover of their dearly departed relation. Robert proceeds to quickly (and unbelievably) fall in love with meek little Valentina (and the feeling seems to be mutual) which just creates more tension in the twins' already tottering relationship. Did I forget to mention that their aunt is kind of just hanging around the flat as a ghost? Because she is. And she accidentally discovers that she can pull souls out of bodies (RIP Kitten) which becomes a rather large point in the apparent climax of the novel. See, Valentina has been trying to find a way to escape from her sister... and rather than grow-up and actually stand up to Julia, she thinks it's just so much easier to die and then have her soul stuffed back into her body. It seems like a brilliant idea, right? Yeah, well never trust a ghost that's kind of pissed that you're dating her boyfriend.
We're meant to believe that Elspeth (the dead aunt) tried to stuff Val back where she belonged, but somehow I sincerely doubt that. The claim was made that Valentina just wasn't strong enough, but that doesn't explain how Kitten managed to come back from the grave once and she was just a cat for goodness sake. Please tell me how a person couldn't figure it out? I wish that were the low point of the book, but no. I think that comes in the form of discovering that Elspeth is really Edwina and the twin's mother. It was all just incredibly confusing and involved switching lives and all sorts of other bullshit that was just too tiresome to follow. Long story short, the twin's mother was the one that really died, but they never actually find that out. Only Robert and their father, Jack Poole, are privy to this super-secret knowledge. Fucking whatever, dude. I quit.
So, anyway, Elspeth (who is really Edie) takes over Valentina's body and gets herself knocked up with Robert's baby... then proceeds to drag him out to Sussex where she thinks that they'll live happily-ever-after. Val has become a ghost that spends all her time in the flat with Julia and the ghost of Kitten. So much for getting away from her sister, right? Well, she might not have been considered to be as clever as her dearly departed aunt (mother), but she definitely wins as a ghost since she actually finds a way to get the hell out of that little trap via her sister's mouth. She and Kitten meet some other ghosts, shrink, and go flying off on crows. Apparently that makes her happy. Good for you, weird little dead girl. Since... you know... you're never getting your body back and all.
Julia proceeds to start possibly dating Martin's son, Theo, while the best character in the book heads off to Amsterdam to go win back his wife, Marijke, who got the hell out of dodge when she finally couldn't take his intense OCD shit anymore. I'm glad Martin got away from the building and all it's drama... I really am. He was probably the most normal (and believable) character in the whole damned book. If anyone deserved a happy ending it was him for being so awesome.
So, when they make this into a movie... which they inevitably will since we all know the state of affairs in Hollywood these days... I think Eric Bana needs to be involved. I don't care if he plays Robert or Martin... as long as he's in there... since he's already done one Niffenegger adaptation. Another can't really hurt his career, right? I just want something pretty to look at if one of my roommates plans to subject me to this crap... which they will because most of them are suckers for shitty movies. Maybe Robert. I think he'd look kind of sexy with glasses and stalking through cemeteries. My pick for the twins? Dakota Fanning... since they're already described as looking like they're twelve anyway. At least it'd be a decent cast.
Rating: 2.5/5
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